Saving lives, one thump at a time.
Saving lives, one thump at a time.
Life at less than 5 mph gives you time to smell the roses.
Life at less than 5 mph gives you a chance to listen for any tell-tale squeaks.
Life at less than 5 mph allows you the chance to drink your coffee without some weirdly shaped trapezoidal spill-proof cup.
We at the SPEED BUMP Emporium think that the world is just too damn flat. We think that everything is just too damn fast. And we think that our joint venturing with several shock absorber outfits has given the FTC absolutely no reason to squawk like they have.
As everyone knows, our successful lobbying efforts have made possible the very sensible law that requires that all speed bumps must be purchased by the pair. But we feel, and several religious factions agree, that it's not good to just slow down, but to STAY slowed down. One speed bump is like getting only one unit of blood after that drive-by shooting--if it's bad enough for any, it's bad enough for a slew of 'em.
We're the SPEED BUMP Emporium, and we make speed
bumps, or as we like to refer to them..."Horizontal Life Reminders."
It's a very exact science, laying down these little gentle reminders that
you're going too fast to enjoy life's journey.
We've been doing it for 50 years. We know
just how tall to make them, the pitch of the rise and fall to suggest to
even the most stubborn driver that, hey, slow down fella.
For the desparate speed enforcers, there's "The Tickler," the speed bump with the little sharp prongs that'll fail to fold for any speeds greater than 6.4 mph. After all, just how fast can you go with four flats?
For those who don't look back, there's "The Forward Progression Enforcer," which invented the phrase, "Don't go backwards--severe tire damage will result."
For those who have trouble staying awake, there's the ever popular "Thumper Serial Pods," those little thumpy things that wake you up when you cross that center line again.
And for those nasty motorcycle people who weave in and out (on purpose!), there's the "PopTart" model, deceptively like the Thumper Serial Pods, but requiring the pressures of at least three wheels to keep from arming those explosive bolts.
To order your speed bump, or one for your neighbor
(surprise him!), send a SASE with a $20 non-refundable deposit, to Speed
Bump Emporium, POBox 9121, Mandeville, La.70434.
Back to the DeanNixon Mall
Back to The Hollifields
Back to DiLingo Homepage