Roy's Head

Roy's Head is the beginning of all things. There is no life force without Roy's Head. From It comes all thought. The great and powerful and all-knowing Roy's Head sees all, knows all. You can't even fart without the great Head knowing it.	In these troubled times there is something we can count on. Roy's Head. Cryogenically, monophonically, megalomaniacally, cephalopedantically, and decapitatedly stored for our deistic needs, Roy's Head continues to be a beacon for devotion.
Pilgrims who get close to Roy's Head know the special powers It bestows. The sinuses clear, the ringing in the ears lessens significantly, and there is peace and contentment...with the Head.
"Take This and eat, for this is My Head." And so it was written in the holiest of all book, Headlines. Microwaving is preferred.	The followers of Roy's Head don't seek directives for spirtitual fullfillment, but instead base their entire lives on avoiding the "10 Avoidances," rules to avoid in living a safe and fulfilled life.
About 4 minutes on "high" ought to do it.	The Head must be dealt with with total respect at all times. The only proper way to dispose of The Head is with a Disposall.^tm

The 10 Avoidances

Handed down from Roy's Head itself from Mt. Maroonus Cacoonus...and mystically reminiscent of lessons learned by Roy's Head in It's previous life by trial and error.

1. Thou shalt not have an "incident" with an elephant.
2. Thou shalt not slide naked down a razor blade into a pool of alcohol.
3. Thou shalt not repair lightning rods during a hurricane.
4. Thou shalt not walk into a concentrated ghetto of ethnic homogeneity and shout anti-ethnic slogans and slurs about said ethnic residents in said ethnically concentrated homogeneity.
5. Thou shalt not engage in any sport in which it is even remotely possible that you find yourself in a hospital intubated and awake.
6. Thou shalt not date any members of the opposite sex who can crush your head with their thighs.
7. Thou shalt not make love on top of a Maytag washing machine, unless it is in the spin cycle.
8. Thou shalt not slap Mike Tyson on his fat, fleshy head.
9. Thou shalt not annoy anyone's bodyguard incessantly.
10 Thou shalt not engage in suspect ballistic banter with a flight attendant.
11 Thou shalt only honor the 10 Avoidances, but who's counting?

A Short History of THE HEAD...

Once there was an extraordinary man. Some called him Ray, but most called him Roy. But he preferred Roy because that was in fact his name. And Roy was always right. About everything. No shit, he really was always right. If you ever wanted to know whether something was right or wrong, you'd ask Roy, and that was it. And since most of his opinions issued forth from his head--what with being that part of his body that did all of the talking--it wasn't much of a stretch to assume that that was his most important part. Some people--like the ones who called him Ray--disagreed on two points: 1) That wasn't the only part of his body that made sounds sure to get your attention, and 2) It was his second most important part (but that's another story).

And his followers were many. And they feared his loss one day. So they came up with a plan that when his time came, they would preserve his head in cryogenic storage and take it up to the top of Mt. Maroonus Cacoonus where it could be naturally frozen, except for utterances of wisdom made possible by the stimulation from a 9-volt battery.

And so it came to pass that Roy did not pass. So the people grew angry and ill-tempered about the whole thing. And they grumbled, said grumblings growing more extreme in their disgruntledness. And Roy's head said, still attached to his body as he wasn't dead yet, "Be calm, oh ye mesomorphic gullibites, for my head is firmly planted on my body, and it likes it there." But the people gnashed their teeth and shouted, "Smite him!"

And Roy's head said, "Smite me? That's a joke, right?" But the people were in no joking vein, and chased his head around a McDonald's one day, his head skillfully evading them as it was carried by his swift feet and the rest of him.

But their is no mitigating of the faithful's desire to seek cryogenic storage for their favorite head, and you can quote me on that.

It is said that the head was only half-way through a Big Mac when the great divide rendered his head free of it's bodily constraints. ("I should have gone to Burger King, I could have had it my way," the head said.)

To the delight of the faithful, Roy's Head sits atop Mt. Maroonus Cacoonus in solitary omniscience, prescience, and non-reticence. It's a frickin' chatter box! It never shuts the hell up. But his followers listen to every word, for his articulations rule their world, even though his head no longer articulates with his body. Makes you think, doesn't it?

Roy's Head

The 10 Avoidances

A Short History of THE HEAD...

The Parables that came from Roy's Head