History and People of Sango Jingo

    The Gutteral Utterals have a sudden but interesting history. Having popped into existence from a vacuum flux of zero energy in 1951, they live with the threat that at any time they may literally pop back out of existence.

So it goes with zero fluxes. Virtually.

"Nothing was unstable. SOMETHING had to happen." --Sumus Cacoonus

     They are 10-dimensional people cursed with sense organs that can only appreciate 3 spatial dimensions (and one of time--but who's countinig?), so they constantly live with the frustration of seeing everything we see, but knowing that what they see are only 3D cross-sections of the 10D existence they actually occupy. No wonder most of them hang up on automated telephone solicitations.
"It's hard to be patient when you know you're wasting six or seven good dimensions." ---Sumus Cacoonus

     In 1969, they elected Sumus Cacoonus, D. E., ambassador to the world as we know it, albeit cramping his style with the 3 spatial dimensions and the one temporal one.

     In 1991, the ruling body of Sango Jingo, "the Gutteral Optimals," decreed by law that Porsches would be the only vehicles allowed to be legally driven on the streets. Many cried, "Impractical!" But since from the impracticality of one person owning such a machine while being extremely cool, they wrote in their opinion that each individual being impractical unto him or herself and being cool would collectively be no different from the whole land being cool. They promised clearer rationale in a subsequent session.

     They can telepathically communicate with vibrating contour chairs. Unfortunately, owing to the chairs being so stupid that they aren't even self-aware, the only thing the people receive is a dull rythmic sensation when they do. This proves very irritating, to the point where they actually use the chairs for the purpose they were manufactured.

     In 1988, the shamelessly cool people of Sango Jingo overwhelmingly approved a referendum declaring their zip code to be 90210. It seemed only natural in a land where the Fashion Police wield as much power as the local S.W.A.T. teams.

     A county in the Los Angeles area protested to the World Court in The Hague, but to no avail, because there were no Spellings in the judiciary there. Stuttgart waged a successful filibuster, citing Sango Jingo's highest per capita octane in the world as justification for doing whatever the hell they please. 


The Fashion Clause* of the Sango Jingo Constitution:
"Who the hell do you think you are? Are you a farmer? Are you a star? You're no one special, that's for damn sure. Therefore it is decreed that you must be in costume every day or you are subject to arrest for sedition."

An Elvis Sandwich*It is a federal law that you not only must look good at all times, but you must look good dressed as someone who looks better than you anyway. The Fashion Police ("FlashPol") are a time-honored tradition for many good-lookin' families. The pay ain't so great, but you're the one who determines who's the babe and who isn't.

Atlantis?  Not any more.  Thanks a lot, Sango Jingo.

    Since the people of Sango Jingo are multidimensional, the fact that they came into existence in 1951 actually means that they've always existed and always will.  Ample proof of this is that an entire sulcus of their highly convoluted brain is solely dedicated to overwhelming guilt over accidentally sinking the continent of Atlantis 16,000 years ago.  To this day, the expression, "Oops!"  is still considered a 4-letter word and appears in no DiLingo dictionaries.  No one quite knows how this tragedy happened, but it definitely was Sango Jingo's fault.  Millions of Atlanteans perished that day.  The few that remained, on business trips abroad, intermarried.  Over the ages, there's still a few site-specific genes on chromosome 9 that harbors ill-will to anyone speaking DiLingo.  Fortunately for the gutteral utterals among us, the gene is recessive.

Sango Jingo--a Hyperpower!

    Having sprung into existence from a zero flux, the people of Sango Jingo know all too well how ridiculous the search for the Grand Unification Theory is.  Even the youngest pre-school gutteral utteral child knows that it's easily demonstrable in the higher dimensions.  So what does this do for the nation as a whole?

Many feel that the United States of America is the only real Superpower left in the world, now that Russia has about as much clout as Mississippi.  But what the people of the USA don't realize is that there is, unbeknownst to them, a Hyperpower in the world.  Because of their origins, the people of Sango Jingo have the ability, if they really, really, cooperate and really, really concentrate, to will Singularity on any agreed upon area of Earth that they choose.  Imagine, if you will, the people of Sango Jingo getting so pissed off at...say...Argentina...that they "Impose the Singularity," reducing the gravitationally collapsing South American country to a zero flux.  Now although this will probably cause it to re-expand into it's own universe somewhere, it would certainly be out of our hair.  The neighboring countries would be none too pleased, either, because they would find that their borders receeding into the void at 186,000 miles per second would have a severe deleterious impact on their economies.

Metaphorically referred to as "The S-Bomb" (S for Singularity), only a few people know that Sango Jingo has it.  The President of the USA knows, Boris Yeltsin knows, and so does some guy in France named Jean-Claude, who dates a babe named Gisele. And--oh, yea, some guy named Eddie.

A favorite trick at parties, when there's been enough consumption of alcohol, is for a group of people to muster up a very limited version of the S-Bomb.  And then someone in Albany, N.Y., may suddenly disappear, only to become his own universe.  One person by him or herself cannot impose Singularity on anything other than a proton, but even then there's a quick flash--"Oh, did someone take a picture just now?"

What does Singularity look like?  Well, it's impossible to show you that without unifying at least three of the Universal Forces somewhere within your spleen.  But at Singularity minus 10-23 seconds, it looks like this.

Sango Jingo--your place for fun, sun, and sand, even if you just stay in your condo.

    Sango Jingo, with its pristine beaches and wild sex slave monkeys, is the annual destination for Spring Break for all of those with Social Anxiety Disorder.
    "Yea, it's real quiet, here--these are all good kids.  Hell, you never see 'em--you don't even know they're here."
--Chief-of-Police Ernesto Arresto.

 
 

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